So I'm wading into my future right now. I'm surrounded by all these potential possibilities and each one is contingent on the one before it. It all goes around in circles, but the point is that I have a series of decisions I need to make, and I need to make them very soon.
As several people have pointed out to me recently, I really can't make a "wrong" decision. And the only thing I'm really going to regret is not making a decision at all, or opting out entirely because I can't make up my mind. But all this running around in circles has made me dizzy - how can it possibly be that simple? (See: flabbergasted)
I've always assumed I would study abroad in college; I took it for granted. It was always easy to romanticize it, with hazy thoughts of strolls down foreign streets, intelligent and adventurous new friends, and the whole package deal includes a new outlook on life, for free! But now the realities are becoming clear, and I'm not going to lie - I'm pretty much scared shitless.
I like to think I'm an independent person, but really, that's an overstatement. I'm not a go-getter; I'm lazy, unmotivated, and used to regretting the things I didn't do instead of actually going out, taking initiative, and trying something new. So there's that gritty truth. And being by myself in a foreign country, perhaps not being fluent in the spoken language - it just terrifies me. I'm not used to not being comfortable. (See: spoiled)
So this is why I really think I should study abroad. Because it'll whip my ignorant American ass out of bed and into the real world. It will force me to be independent and figure things out and ask for help and make mistakes and deal with scary situations. Which is all character-building and shit, and good for me 'cause it's hard, and the spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but I don't even know how to begin to prepare for something like this.
First - where to study. Actually, scratch that. First, I need to pick a major. Just for fun, let's say I choose Global and International Studies [doesn't that make me sound worldly? haha!]. This major requires 2 years of a foreign language. So what language? French? Spanish? I don't know. Swedish? Danish? Italian? Does it really even matter?
So where do I want to go [maybe that will help solve the language question]? England? That doesn't help. I'm stuck. But let's say I pick somewhere. Then how long do I go for? A semester sounds good, but I don't want to leave right when I'm just getting adjusted. A year sounds like a commitment I'm not sure I'm willing to make. Do I split it up and go two places? What about my boyfriend? Does he come with me, or not? Do we stay together or break up? I hate this. (See: clueless)
I hate making decisions. I'm so bad at them.
Well, fuck.
(See: welcome to the real world, Lauren.)
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2 comments:
Wow, I have SO many of the same questions (minus the boyfriend one - that's solved by the fact that I never see him during the year anyway). I always assumed that going abroad would be part of my college experience and am so lucky to have to opportunity and resources available. I mean, it's incredible! But missing even a whole semester of my time at school is terrifying, especially as I'm feeling the constraints of a double major every day. And, I mean, I speak French, but I don't REALLY speak French. And I certainly don't speak it well enough to interact naturally in social situations or to show who I really am through conversation to make friends. I'm really scared of being alone because of the language barrier, I guess. Also, what about coming back to school and missing a semester of what's been happening with the friends you HAVE made there? One of my friends is going to Sydney for a year starting now; I wouldn't see him again until senior year! Not to mention the effect I'm sure the language gap would have on my schoolwork....
PS - I read this, by the way. I miss you.
luckily, in these places you're considering going to (france, spain and many other european countries), the people largely know and understand english. the young people are generally excited to be able to converse with you in english and everybody is please when you make an effort to speak in their language.
if you're concerned about losing touch with friends back home, don't be. study and travel through different cultures as long as you want, the people who actually wait for you to return will wait indefinitely. plus, this generation is blessed with email and the like, making it all easier.
the world is your oyster.
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