Thanks, Dad.

Scene I:

Kunin residence in San Diego, California. It is a warm winter day.

Lauren & her dad have just arrived home from doing errands. Lauren drove. They both get out of her car. Lauren walks around the back of the vehicle after locking it and meets her dad in the garage, where he is looking for something in his own car.
Lauren holds out her hand and waits for her dad to put money in it.

Lauren: So dad, where's my tip?

She doesn't actually expect to get anything.
Dad turns around and looks at her.

Dad: Your tip?

Lauren puts her hand on her hip.

Lauren: Yeah, you're supposed to tip your driver. Especially when they don't kill you in a car accident.

Dad is less than amused. He continues to look for something in his car.

Dad: You want a tip, eh?

Lauren: Yeah...

Dad pauses and thinks for a moment, then turns back to Lauren.

Dad: Learn how to say "condom" in Italian.

Oh, The Onion...

I Got What America Needs Right Here

by Jimmy Carter

Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in '08? Fat fucking chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.

See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.

Read the rest...

Conservofascism

"The idea that the [9/11] attack was because of American foreign policy...it has nothing to do with our foreign policy. It is because of their ideas, their theories -- the things that they have done in the way they've perverted their religion into a hatred of us. And what's at stake are the things that are best about us: our freedom of religion, our freedom for women, our right to vote, our free economic system. Our foreign policy is irrelevant." - Rudy Giuliani, 01/05/08


So what you're saying is...terrorist attacks threaten our freedom for women? Why, because women die in terrorist attacks? And then they can't vote or become doctors? I can honestly say that I have never heard anything more convoluted in my life. This is pure propaganda. Next you're going to tell me the the government is full of Communist spies and the Jews really were responsible for the collapse of the German economy.

That's right, guys. They hate us for our freedom.